Ever notice that what you need falls in your lap when you don’t expect it? When the backpack trip last week got cancelled, I decided to take full advantage of the free classes being offered at a yoga studio opening nearby. What came out of that week for me was a big surprise. I’ve fallen back in love with yoga, and it’s helped me revisit my approach to physical activity.
Rewind. Before I got sick, I was a dedicated yoga practitioner. The first time I took a yoga class, I went in the door really stressed out, and floated out in a state of zen. Thus began my love affair with yoga. As a beginner, I was already a highly athletic, fairly limber person. My practice progressed quickly, and after a few years I trained with a mentor, and became a certified Iyengar Yoga instructor. I loved teaching yoga and seeing students light up with self-discovery.
Moving from advanced to beginner…
Some years later, due to an undiagnosed autoimmune condition, I became very ill, and my body wouldn’t handle anything physical. I stopped my asana practice (yoga postures) completely. I tried to return to the mat a number of times over the years I was sick, but even a few minutes of gentle poses would leave me a wreck. That’s a different chapter, and had to do with severe deficiencies related to autoimmunity. Last year, I started going to yoga classes again. However, I felt like an imposter walking in that studio door. Before, I had been an adept practitioner, capable of advanced postures and long holdings. When I gave it all up, my body changed drastically. In reverse order, I had become a beginner physically for the first time in my life. I felt guilty for it, a sense of “I should be able to do this.”
Aside: As a teacher, I see my illness and injuries as profound gifts. In forcing me to delve internally into the experience, they enable me to relate to my beginning and injured students on a more empathetic level, and to find better ways to work with their limitations. As never before, I understand how it feels to not be able to touch my darn toes, or hold a muscular pose for very long. Physically I’m in a more beginning place than I ever was as a beginning student of yoga, and it opens my eyes to what mere mortals experience on the mat (*wink*). Empathy is a great tool.
Recently I’ve gotten more active in my home practice, and my body is loving it. There are some things I can’t do right now, due to lack of strength or old injuries. Yet because I’ve had such a long rest, I am actually flexible in areas of my body that were completely bound up before I got sick, when I was super strong. It’s kind of amazing and fun, and has opened up some new options for me in my yoga practice. I do long, however, for the deep poses I used to do. Many of them are currently inaccessible to me.
The gift of the present… or, what not to say to your yoga teacher
That was all just intro. Here’s why I am writing this piece: Last week I mentioned to my new yoga teacher that I look forward to being able to do certain poses like I used to. Oops. She kindly (and firmly) reminded me that we need to be in the present with our body and ability level. To expect of it what happened a decade ago, a year ago, even yesterday, is not being true to what is. I had forgotten this in my quest for renewed strength and vitality.
There is no going back to what we did before.
Think about it. We are different in so many ways now than we were in the past – even yesterday – that comparing ourselves to what was, does not serve us. That run, that yoga pose, that climb that you did last year, is not the same as the one you try today, even if they have the same name. You are different, the experience is different. Why approach it just like you did before? There is only the present and what we do with it. What our body and mind are capable of in the now is what matters. How can we work with that? How does it inform us? What are our challenges and gifts? That is where we find wisdom, learning, depth, and progress. This applies on the mat, the trail, the bike, the rock, the skis, the water.
Delicious freedom
There is actually freedom in being in the present. Think about it; when we are really “on the mat” with ourselves, we are not limited by what we used to be, or what we hope to be. Ahh. Doesn’t that sound delicious? By being present, we can make the absolute best of it, and we can approach ourselves from a place of kindness, not toughness. That doesn’t mean we can’t be tough. We can dig deep, look in those hidden corners, see where we are more or less flexible – physically, mentally and emotionally – and learn to work with that in new and creative ways.
What will you do?
As athletes, we have a tendency to see progress in a linear fashion; what’s behind is lesser, what is ahead is better… the ever-hopeful training curve. But this return to the yoga mat is showing me that sometimes, that’s not the way it works, and it’s okay. Illnesses happen. Injuries happen. Life happens and we move away from our passions for a while. It really doesn’t matter what I used to be capable of. Where am I right now?
What good do we do ourselves by pining away for a past or future [insert ability level/race time/climbing grade]? It only limits us, and prevents us from really seeing what we are capable of right now. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, “Where am I right now, and how does it inform my training, goals, daily practice?”
If you are an athlete who isn’t at the “top of your game”, or who isn’t in a place to do what you’ve done before, I encourage you to give yourself the freedom of really being in the present with your body and mind. Stop pining over what you were or what you’d like to be. Give yourself that delicious gift of not having to be anything but what you are at this very moment. Start right there. That doesn’t mean you can’t have goals and dreams; it doesn’t mean you can’t make progress; it doesn’t mean you are satisfied with staying where you are. But by really embracing where you are now, you can move from a place of wisdom and freedom.
I’d love to hear your reflections on this and how you work with it in your own life!
